More Love and Kindness

Last  night was probably one of the best Family Home Evenings we've ever had.  At least for me.  Just in case any one is reading this that doesn't know what Family Home Evening is (that makes the assumption that anyone reads this to begin with), I'll explain.  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, every Monday night is reserved for the family.  Church meetings are not scheduled, and we as family try to keep the evening free from other activities so that we can spend it together, usually talking about the Gospel of Jesus Christ (very brief explanation).

Anyway, last night, we invited a young man from our ward to give us a lesson.  Actually the lesson was really to be directed to our children.  He talked to them about showing love to their mom and dad.  He talked about different ways that our kids could show us love.  Ironically enough, their response every time was "clean my room" or "give hugs and kisses."  I kept waiting for someone to say "not fight" or "not tease my sister/brother" but unfortunately I didn't hear a thing.

At the end of the lesson, this sweet young man, gave each of my children a jar, and gave me a bag of cotton balls.  Each time my children show love to someone in our family, they can put a cotton ball in their jar.  If they aren't very kind, I can take one out.  At the end of the week, if the jars are full of cotton balls, they can tell this young man what their favorite candy bar is and he will bring it to them.  Needless to say the jars/cotton balls have been great motivators!

Now for the ME part.  Today I realized how much I needed this lesson too.  Am I treating my family with as much love as I should be?  This morning I was saying something kind of harsh to one of my kids.  My husband called me on it, and when I spit out the excuse, "That's how you talk to them," he paused.  When I realized what I had said, I realized we along with our children had a lot of work to do.  Maybe part of the reason our children weren't being as kind was because we weren't being as kind as we should be.  Who picked it up from who?  I'm not sure, but I knew who needed to change first, ME!

So today, I've really tried hard.  Yes, my day isn't over yet, and I probably need my own jar of cotton balls, but at least I've recognized the problem.  Maybe now, we'll be able to have more peace and love in our home.  I'll let you know how we do.

Just Listen

Sometimes I forget to listen to my kids.  I'm so busy most of the time telling them what to do, or reminding them of what they need to do, or correcting them, that sometimes I forget to just listen to them.  I had a great experience tonight in which I was able to do just that.

We had gone to dinner at my parents' house.  My sister is in town with her little girls and so my kids were having a great time playing with their cousins they don't get to see very often.  Finally everything had settled down and it was time to eat.  We had prayed, and I had even fixed plates for two of my three kids.  Wondering where my third child was, I wondered to the back of the house looking for him.

Greg was hiding in my parents' TV room, with the lights off, a lantern in hand, and was crying.  I thought my husband had recently had some words with him, so I knew there was something going on, and I didn't want to undermine what he had done, so I gently tried talking with my son.  I asked him if he wanted to come out and have some dinner.  He refused at first, and I asked him what was going on.  He didn't want to tell me, so I obviously knew he was up to something.

Finally after promising that I wouldn't be angry or mad he told me what he had done.  I asked him if he was hungry, which he answered affirmatively.  I advised him that maybe WE could go and apologize to his sister and his cousin, and then we could have some dinner.  He agreed and we finished the evening without any further events.

My thought process tonight is really on the fact that I just happened to listen.  Sometimes I'm so impatient, and I just want my kids to hurry and take care of things, that I miss the big picture.  My sweet son was in a room crying by himself because he felt bad about something he had done.  I don't think the girls had even given it a second thought.  Because I chose to listen to him, we were able to resolve the matter calmly and quickly.  Had I not chosen to listen to him, there were a lot of things that could have turned out differently, particularly how he viewed himself.

Sometimes, most of the time, we just need to sit down and listen to our children so that they understand how much we value them.  If we don't listen when they are little, why would we start when they are older?  Now is the time.  Now is the time to spend time with them, to do fun things, things they think are fun, that we may not necessarily think are fun.  We all need to be a little bit better at listening and spending time with out children.

Patience

With the holiday weekend, I have been a bit preoccupied.  Perfect isn't it?  My whole goal is to spend more time with my family, and I have just spent four days with them?  I think so.  Just to a note, we had a really great holiday.  I was able to focus more on my little family and have a really good time with them than I have in a while.

Today in Relief Society, that is the meeting the women in our church attend, a lesson was given on patience.  One woman made a comment that one area in life we learn patience is with our children.  What a true statement!  I have never had to practice more patience than with my own family!

As a stay-at-home mom sometimes my day is somewhat monotonous, and it is really easy for me to lose my temper when my little children do not obey the 6th or 7th times I have asked them to do something, usually something like pick up their rooms or the play room.  Is it really too much to ask to for a clean house?

I was reminded of a better perspective last night.  My sister-in-law was visiting and was telling us about helping out my other sister-in-law.  She said instead of yelling at the kids to do what you wanted, to get their attention and then tell them what you wanted.  That's what she had done all week as she watched my nephews.

My visiting sister-in-law is no longer "in the trenches."  Her daughter is 17.  However she was right.  Instead of yelling at my kids over and over which seems easier to do, sometimes we just need to take the time, to get down on our kids' levels, make eye contact with them, and tell them, without yelling.

So I tried this today, and guess what!?  It worked!  How had I forgotten this?  I still had to ask a couple of times, but not 6 or 7!  Isn't it easier to take the time to ask the right way, possible once or twice, instead of yelling 6 or 7 times and going hoarse in the process?

Another thing I learned this weekend that really had nothing to do with patience but reminded me of how precious my children are was an experience we had on Friday.  My husband had gone over to some friends' of ours to work on our boat, because their son was helping him out.  I had taken our kids over for a little while, and when it was time to go, we couldn't find one of our 6 year olds.  We looked everywhere on our friends' property.  They looked in the house, and I started driving down the street wondering if he had started walking home.

Then we found him.  My husband was mad for making us look for him, but I was relieved!  I didn't know where he was or what had happened to him.  I was so grateful we had found him.  I didn't care that he was hiding because he wanted to stay!  I was just so grateful that he was safe!  That is what love is.  That is what patience is.

The Women of God

There are so many good articles at the reach of my fingertips, I could literally spend hours and hours reading one article to another, and never even make a dent in all that is out there.  I could read tips on potty training, tips on how to teach my children to clean their rooms, or how to read, how to stop yelling or to stop the fighting in my home.  This list just goes on and on.

However, I am consistently pulled back to talks from leaders of my church.  Today's talk was from Elder Neal A. Maxwell, and was given in 1978!  I know this was before I was born!  Before my parents were even married!  So why would this talk be pertinent to me today?  Well, this quote should tell it all:

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies?  The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods?  Will what happened in cradles and kitchens proved to be more controlling that what happened in congresses?  When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time.  The women of God know this."

Like many women, I quit my job when my children were born, to stay home and raise them.  I have not regretted this decision once.  Does that mean my days have all been blissful, happy days filled with lullabies, and precious moments?  Absolutely not!  I have had my share of days where I was ready for a "do-over" by noon.

But I've also had those days when we get to snuggle and read stories, or watch a movie.  Days when we make cookies or go for hikes.  Days when they ask questions, or tell me stories.

A friend of mine was recently sharing her frustrations with her teenage son.  She went on for a few minutes and then she said, "But then, he melted my heart when he...." And that is what it is.  Those little turkeys can drive us to our wits end, but then they will say or do one little thing, and melt our heart, and we are reminded why we wake up every morning excited to spend our days with our little people again and again.

"Because She Is a Mother"

One of my all time favorite talks from General Conference (a great big huge gathering of our church in which the leaders of our church speak to the world) is a talk given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Because She Is a Mother".  This is my talk/article I chose to focus on today.

Elder Holland begins his talk with some lines from Victor Hugo, and I too am going to quote them:

"She broke the bread into two fragments and gave them to her children, who ate with eagerness.  'She hath kept none for herself,' grumbled the sergeant.

"'Because she is not hungry,' said a soldier.

'"No,' said the sergeant, 'because she is a mother.'"

This is how I am feeling today.  Not hungry because I do not have any food to eat.  Quite the opposite, actually.  We've just had dinner, and my little chilies are all in bed.  I can hear the boys still playing, even though I wish they were trying to quietly sleep.

No, I feel this way today, because I tried to give them everything I could, and tonight I feel that there is nothing left.  And this is only Day One of my challenge!

Something to remember, Elder Holland shares a quote from a letter from a sister, to whom I will forever be grateful.  She writes to Elder Holland regarding "the one thing that keeps her going": "Through the thick and the thin of this, and through the occasional tears of it all, I know deep down inside I am doing God's work.  I know that in my motherhood I am in an eternal partnership with Him.  I am deeply moved that God finds His ultimate purpose and meaning in being a parent even if some of His children make Him weep."

Today, even though I have nothing left to give, I was doing God's work.  That's what I need to remember.  That's what each of us need to remember.  As we sit down at the end of the day, hopefully to a quiet house (although that seems to rarely happen) and look at the dinner dishes on the table, and the laundry sitting on the couch waiting to the folded, we remember what we spent our time doing.

Do I want my children to remember me doing the dishes all the time? Or folding the laundry as they run around me?  Do I want them to remember me barking at them to get homework done or to practice the piano (although these are probably ones they will remember for sure)?

No!  I really want them to remember us hiking together.  I want them to remember us swimming in the summer at the pool.  I want them to remember us visiting the zoo, or the farm.  Playing at the park, or playing a game on a rainy afternoon.  I want them to remember us reading stories together, and reading the scriptures together.

In closing tonight, I just want to end with something Elder Holland says, "If you will show others, including your children, the same caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you; if you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do."

The Family Project

In the last few weeks, I have thought a great deal about type of wife and mother I want to be.  It could be that we are at a "phase change" or that school just ended for the summer (well a few weeks ago), or even maybe the current news events.  Whatever the reasons, I have come to the conclusion that I want/need to be a better mother.

A few months ago, for the book club I am in, we read, The Happiness Prjoject, by Gretchen Rubin.  Now I have a confession to make, I haven't actually finished the book, but I loved it, and wanted to begin my own "Happiness Project" the minute I picked the book up.  Gretchen Rubin spent a lot of time doing research before she even began her "Happiness Project" and I'll admit I will lose interest if I put it off that long (let's be honest, I did lose interest, we read this book, back in January, but my interest is back, so I'll grab hold of it!)

I've also been reading a bunch of different articles I've found on Pinterest (of course!) that have given me a bunch of tips on being a better parent.  I came across one article, 30 for 30 Challenge about playing with your kids for 30 minutes a day for 30 days (had a been smart enough I would have tried it for the month of June, but I guess I'll have to try 31 for 31).  

Long story short, (I'm not much of a blogger), I've decided I'm only going to try a couple new things this month to improve on.  

First in the area of becoming a better wife.  I don't know about you, but I think I must be married to the world's greatest man.  He's loving, and caring, and always puts me first.  What's more, he rarely if ever tells me what to do or how to do it.  He's my biggest cheerleader, and unfortunately, he's usually last to get my attention.  So to become a better wife this month, my goal is spend time each day just listening to him.  He doesn't require much in that department, but he does need a listening ear, even if means, I follow him around his garage for 15 minutes as he works on a car, and he tells me what he's doing.  Some times that's all he needs.  He just wants to know that I care about what he's doing.

Second, in the area of becoming a better mom.  I'm going to try the 31 for 31 Challenge.  I'm going to play with my kids for 31 minutes a day for 31 days.  Some days it may be that we read for 31 minutes, but hopefully not every day, because we need play time too (since we already read most days anyway).  Hopefully this will add more fun to our home and my kids will see that I'm not always trying to boss them around.

Third, I am going to read an article or a talk on parenting every day.  This might be a talk from a general authority (a leader of my church) to remind me that I'm doing God's work, and I'm doing the best I can after a rough day, or it might be an article about 20 dates I can take my boys on.  Either way, I'm going to improve this month.  

I'm also going to keep a record.  That's where you lovely people come in, or maybe it's just me who will be rereading these posts some day.  Either way, it's a way I'll be accountable.  And at the end of the month, even if I'm the only one who has read these posts, and changed for the better, then good for me!

I know it may not seem like I'm doing much, but for me, I have to start with little steps.  My family is what is most important to me.  So if these little things improve our relationship, then I'm willing to do them. (WOW!  That was long!)

In the Beginning

In the Beginning, I had no idea what I was in for.  It took us a few months to get pregnant, and some help.  I found out I was pregnant at about 6 am, on a Sunday morning.  Needless to say, my husband was less than excited that I chose that time to find out.  When I first looked at the plus sign on the pregnancy test, I thought, we're having twins!  My husband realistically assured me that my chances of having twins, had barely gone up, and I needed not worry about it.  The twin idea, was gone. 

From that first pregnancy test, we both felt we were having a girl.  We just knew.  Although in the days leading up to my first ultrasound (of many) at 16 weeks, I started feeling a bit uneasy about our baby being a girl.  I still felt like she was a girl, but I also felt like she was a boy.  I know, impossible to have a baby that is both boy and girl, but that's how I felt, confused.  I still remember driving to the doctor's that cold morning discussing how I would suddenly feel different about the gender of our baby.

We checked in with the receptionist, and soon we were on our way back with the ultra-sound tech.  We chatted amicably during the ultra-sound, and soon found out we were going to be blessed with a little boy.  I knew my feelings were right.  The tech was just about to wrap everything up, when he said, "I have something funny to tell you," then he said something that forever changed my life, and was not expected, "You're having twins!"  We soon found out that not only where we having a little boy, we were also having a little girl. 

I was in a state of shock, to put it mildly.  The shock slowly wore off, and was replaced with the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.  We were going to be responsible for two new lives, not just one.  Thus the roller-coaster of twins begins!